Really shitty today. Feel as though I havent slept at all when in fact I slept like a log.
I so don't want to go to work but I have to. My brother's off work with a cold but he only works for my Dad so he's got it easy. If I have a day off work, I'm likely to get in trouble! So not fair.
- Feeling
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
wallscanspeak- January 30th, 10:41
crappy
- A walk on the beach
-
- wallscanspeak
- January 29th, 17:40
contemplative
I miss those days when I would take a stroll down the beach and then sit and talk to a friend about everything and anything. Now i wouldn't know who to go with.
S is a bit two faced and I can honestly say i dont understand her. She's fine when with the old lot of friends from school, but as soon as she's with the others, it's a case of 'look down the nose because i'm better than you'. One minute - she says I dont talk to her as much anymore, so when I try to make the effort she sits with her back to me. Make much sense? Nooo. The next minute - it's like nothing has ever happened between us. So I'm a bit lost as to where I stand. I know I've probably pissed her off, but she's never bothered to ask why I've been distant. Yeah, I've had troubles but I've always known what was going on in her life because I always looked in on her. She can say "if they cant be assed with me, I cant with them" as much as she likes but at the end of the day I have tried and she just hasnt noticed. She didnt exactly make any effort herself - too intertwined with her ' real chums' to make the effort herself.
K used to be like a besty to me. She was always there. We'd sit in the pub (drinking good ol' lemonade - hardcore stuff lol), talking/consoling each other about our bloke troubles. I felt as if I could really rely on her, but over the past months I've noticed a side I wish I never could have seen. On my birthday, she noted how cute AK was - and I have to agree, he is! I thought that would be the end of it. I went on holiday with J for a week, and when I came back, I found out she has been flirting with ALL my male friends, leading them on when they stood no chance at the end of the day. She was in a long long long term relationship, but behind he bf's back she was basically flirting with everyone! I've known some of those lads for ten years, and I hate to see them being strung along. I feel like we're on different paths now.
D is a bit of a confusing subject really. I used to be head over heels. When I first got to know him, he was the most amazing person to be around. He'd be the one I'd text when I was feeling down or had something on my mind. I even remember once, when we was round a friends, he sat behind the sofa with me playing cards because a film came on TV that I physically cannot watch. Later, I found out it was his favourite film, which to me showed me how he really felt. Nobody sits behind a sofa for two and a half hours missing their favourite film!! When I said I was ill, he would bring me gifts which weren't neccessary but showed me he cared. But as time quickly flew by, he began to show his true colours. He showed his love less, slowly stopped buying me gifts and then stopped taking me out. He said he couldn't afford anything so made me pay whenever we did finally go out. He would then meet up with his ex behind my back. But we sorted all this out. He no longer sees her behind my back (that I know of), he no longer makes me pay the whole time (if at all), but he rarely ever tells me how he feels. He works from early early til bout 5 now most days, and I never hear from him in those hours - I'll get the odd text saying "busy, text later x". But that's it. I'll prob see him twice a week now, and they aren't exactly the most thrilling times. I can't even remember the last time he kissed me properly. He only kisses me passionately when he wants what all guys want. I'm starting to think that perhaps there really isn't anything there anymore, and I am in fact just holding on to the last thread of hope that things will change. In my heart I know they won't.
R makes me feel significant. I can always make them smile even when they're having a grumpy day. It's because of R (and K i guess) that I finally realise that there is a reason to smile :) Nobody else really seems to care. R told me that they're going to buy me some flowers because I've shown them kindness over the past few weeks when no-one else has. Reminds me why I should always be happy :) I've told them not bother buying flowers because me being kind doesn't cost them anything, but they're determined to find me some really nice roses!
I just want someone to be able to sit and share my heart with who will understand what I'm saying and still see me as the same person afterwards.
